Let’s talk about sex, baby!

Imagine this, you finally work up the nerve to ask your partner(s) to try something new sexually, maybe you ask to use a new prop, or you ask to try a different sexual position. The response is less than positive, maybe even shaming, you hide your interest to try the new thing, way back in your mind.

What happens to the relationship after a sexual suggestion has been rejected? I think it depends on the relationship. First and foremost, does the relationship have a strong foundation of good sexual communication or is there room growth?

Relationships that have some room for growth are not alone. Numerous studies have explored the impact of sexual challenges in relationships, noting the range of 52-63% for sexual dysfunction (Nausbaum & Hamilton, 2002). When sexual behavior is going well in a romantic relationship, sexuality takes up little of the relational time (15-20%) (McCarthy, 2015). However, when there are sexual difficulties in a relationship the impact is overwhelming (McCarthy, 2015). Sexual concerns are a concern of 75% of the couples who seek marriage therapy (Nusbaum & Hamilton, 2002).

The suggestion to try a new sexual behavior, especially one that is a foundational way someone expresses themselves sexually, can be a highly vulnerable experience. A rejection of the suggestion may feel like a rejection of the self. For people who are thinking of suggesting a new behavior, there are some things you can do to help set the stage for the conversation. For those who have already experienced a sexual rejection, there are also things that can be done to help decrease any experienced shame or distress.

The first step for everyone is to spend time on sexual communication. Sexual communication is both verbal and non-verbal (what we do with our face and body). Most people are not taught how to talk about sex, even mental health therapists can have a hard time talking about sex (Sanford, 2003), it will take practice! Improving on relationship sexual communication may have a positive impact on your relationship as several studies have found a strong connection between sexual communication and overall relationship satisfaction (Rehman et al.,2011; Litzinger & Coop Gordon, 2005; Mark & Jozowski, 2013). A sex therapist can help with this process.

For those hoping to suggest a new sexual behavior:

1) I cannot stress the importance of this enough, PRACTICE SEXUAL COMMUNICATION. I highly recommend you do not just walk up to your partner and start talking about sex. Instead, sexual communication needs to occur when people are NOT actively engaged in a sexual interaction and all participants are willing and open to having a conversation about sex (consent yo!).

2) Start with talking about things that feel more comfortable, this will vary by relationship. For some it might mean starting a conversation about what feels good sexually or sexual boundaries. For others this may be a conversation about fantasies. I recommend focusing on just one topic for the first time. Once it feels that the conversation as started to come to a close, all participants should explore what felt easy and what felt challenging during the conversation.

3) What is your motivation for suggestion the new sexual behavior? Is it something that you saw or heard about and thought seemed interesting and erotic or is it something that you feel may be core to who you are as a sexual being? If the motivation is based on an interest which feels like a core sexual behavior, I recommend you have several “practice” sexual communication interactions first. After you and your partner(s) feel more comfortable talking about sex, share that you would like to talk about something that is core to your sexual being and ask that your partner(s) take time to process the information before responding. Keep in mind if your partner(s) decide the sexual behavior is not for them, that’s okay, too. Not everyone is into everything. Some things may just remain as sexual fantasies and that is okay, too. The ultimate goal is to be able to share the information and have a conversation without feeling shamed or rejected.

4) Continue to practice sexual communication regardless of the outcome following the suggestion. Sexual interests, desires, and boundaries continue to change over time. It is, in my opinion, an essential component to having a healthy sexual relationship.

5) If challenges persist, I recommend seeking the support of a sex therapist.

After a rejected sexual suggestions:

1) The same principle still rings true, PRACTICE SEXUAL COMMUNICATION. I highly recommend you do not just walk up to your partner and start talking about sex, instead, sexual communication needs to occur when people are NOT actively engaged in a sexual interaction and all participates are willing and open to having a conversation about sex (consent yo!).

2) After practicing sexual communication with sexual topics that feel more comfortable and have been having follow-up conversations about what went well and what needs improvement. This is the time to ask your partner(s) if you can readdress the previously made suggestion.

3) Share with the partner(s) the motivation for the suggestion. Was it based on curiosity or something that feels as if it may be a core sexual behavior? Ask the partner(s) to process the new information and then discuss again. Keep in mind if your partner(s) decide the sexual behavior is not for them, that’s okay, too. Not everyone is into everything. Some things may just remain as sexual fantasies and that is okay, too. The ultimate goal is to be able to share the information and have a conversation and decrease any feelings of shame or rejection.

4) Continued to practice sexual communication regardless of the outcome following the suggestion. Sexual interests, desires, and boundaries continue to change over time. It is, in my opinion, an essential component to having a healthy sexual relationship.

5) If challenges persist, I recommend seeking the support of a sex therapist.

Intention sexual communication may not only strengthen your overall relationship, it may help decrease feelings of rejection and/or shame when suggesting a new sexual behavior. If you and your partner(s) need more support navigating sexual communication or a sexual suggestion rejection please seek the support of a sex therapist.

-Brittney

Resources

*Litzinger, S. & Coop Gordon, K. (2005). Exploring relationships among communication, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 31,409-424.

*Rehman, U. S., Janssen, E., Newhouse, S., Heiman, J., Holtzworth-Munroe, A., Fallis, E., & Rafaeli, E. (2011). Marital satisfaction and communication behavior during sexual and nonsexual conflict discussion in newlywed couples: A pilot study. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 37(2), 94-103.

*Rosen, R. C. (2000). Prevalence and risk factors of sexual dysfunction in men and women. Current Psychiatry Reports 2(3). 189-195

*Sanford, K. (2003). Expectancies and communication behavior in marriage: Distinguishing proximal-level effects from distal-level effects. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 20

*Nusbaum, M. R. H. & Hamilton, C. D. (2002). The proactive sexual health history. American Family Physician, 66(9). 1705-1712.